Why Punishing Your Child Is Bad And What To Do Instead

When a child persistently misbehaves, the first reaction of a parent will be to punish him. “I’m going to teach you a lesson!” yells Dad, and the child is smacked, given a time out or told he can’t watch TV for a week.

Sound familiar? Maybe so, but just because everybody does it, doesn’t mean it’s the best approach.

How would you deal with misbehaviour?

Punishment offers limited benefits

Punishing a child may seem like a great idea at the time, as it is immediately effective in stopping challenging behaviour. However, the effects don’t last very long, as the child will only behave as long as the constant threat of being punished hangs in the air. In the long run, punishing will neither teach desirable behaviour nor reduce the child’s desire to misbehave.

So what DOES punishing teach?

In fact, punishment will teach a child:

• To cover his tracks when he misbehaves, so that he doesn’t get caught.
• To misbehave up to the acceptable limit, so that he gets away with as much as he can without being punished.
• To hit others to teach them a lesson when he’s older and bigger, because right now it’s “OK” for older and bigger adults to hit him.

Not exactly the kind of things you’d want your child to learn.

Punishing = unhappy children and unhappy relationships

Furthermore, a parent usually gives out punishment when feeling angry or frustrated. As a result, the focus will be on stopping the child’s misbehaviour as quickly as possible, and overlooks the need for proper communication with the child.

Unsurprisingly, punishment dealt in this manner easily leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. If the child thinks he’s to blame, his self-confidence will be damaged and he’ll feel miserable and unwanted. If he thinks he’s not to blame, he’ll be resentful and rebellious. Either way is bad news for the parent-child relationship.

OK, so punishment is bad. What then?

Just let children do as they wish? Surely not. Instead, try and use some methods which will nurture self-discipline (Faber and Mazlish, 1995) in your child. For example, if your child never finishes his homework, instead of a threatening punishment, you can:

1. Express your strong disapproval. “It upsets me to see your grades suffer because of lack of effort.” Remember to make it absolutely clear that you’re not upset at your child, but rather at his misbehaviour.
2. State your expectations. “I expect you to try your best in your studies.” This way your child knows what you’re expecting, and why you’re showing disapproval.
3. Empathise. “I know you find Maths difficult. Let me give you some help.” This helps your child to feel understood, as well as showing him that you’re trying to improve his situation.
4. Show how to make amends. “How about doing half of your homework now, and the other half after tonight’s TV show?” This gives your child a progressive action he can take immediately to take responsibility for his misbehaviour.
5. Offer a choice. “You can finish your homework now, or after tonight’s TV show”. Make sure it’s a proper choice, not something like “Shall we do your homework now?” when you’re not going to accept no as an answer.
6. Let the child experience the consequences of his behaviour. “Your grades have gotten worse because you haven’t been doing your homework.” Sometimes no matter what you do, your child will carry on misbehaving. When this happens, it’s important for your child to learn that the consequences are a result of his own bad behaviour.

You might be wondering how come I didn’t include using rewards and praise in the methods above. The reason is because studies have shown rewards and praise to be just as ineffective as punishment in the long run.

Do you agree or disagree? Please share your thoughts in the comments section, and don’t forget to share this article with others by clicking the share button below!

References

Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1995). How To Talk So Kids Can Learn, Simon & Schuster New York.