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When a child persistently misbehaves, the first reaction of a parent will be to punish him. “I’m going to teach you a lesson!” yells Dad, and the child is smacked, given a time out or told he can’t watch TV for a week.
Sound familiar? Maybe so, but just because everybody does it, doesn’t mean it’s the best approach.
How would you deal with misbehaviour?
Early Years Childcare 
Posted by Maddie Moo on 11 September, 2009 at 9:02 am
I think appropriate punishment is good.Of course,carers should explain to children why their behaviours are zero tolerance.Children will learn what is ‘acceptable’ and ‘unacceptable’ in their life.If just by warning,I don’t think they bother.They should learn from mistake.Look at nowadays,no punishment upbringings,children are more vulnerable and show no respect to everyone.
Posted by MarkLim81 on 11 September, 2009 at 9:19 am
That’s true, children do learn by trying everything out and testing the limits. Which is why a lot of times carers will lose their patience and just punish without proper communication.
Appropriate punishment is also a bit subjective. For example hitting a child, how hard is too hard or soft?
Posted by p a t t on 14 September, 2009 at 6:21 am
Discipline and not punishment is what’s needed
The difference is in the concept…
I agree with maddie moo that having this concept of just explaining and explaining to a child why he had behaved badly is sometimes not enough
Especially if you say “XX upsets me”
And the kid goes “So what?”
Posted by MarkLim81 on 14 September, 2009 at 4:57 pm
It’s all fine in theory, but in practice, I find that most adults (parents and carers alike) just don’t communicate properly with children.
Posted by p a t t on 15 September, 2009 at 2:17 am
i so agree
but does that mean that if you explain properly, and ensure that he understands why you are goign to cane your kid – then its ok to cane your kid?
e.g. “It upsets me to see your grades suffer because of lack of effort – you are going to get whacked because you didn’t put any effort in!”
then whack whack whack
Posted by mumzzy on 14 September, 2009 at 9:47 am
i’m going to give it a try…i believe it will work for me and bb.
Posted by MarkLim81 on 14 September, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Hi Mumzzy, thanks, always supportive of my posts. 🙂
Your bb may be a bit too young to intentionally offer you challenging behaviour right now, but I’m sure in a few months time she’ll be more than ready to test the limits. 🙂
Posted by amylee on 15 September, 2009 at 2:55 am
Good stuff, Mark. Food for thought.
I didn’t enjoy being hit, so I suppose I shouldn’t support physical punishment either.
Patt’s example cracked me up: you’re naughty coz you’ve done this so you get whack whack whack. Question is, does it work?
Thinking back, as I was growing up, I used to know the consequences, and did it anyway because I wanted to do it. I called it being brave and responsible for your actions. Geez, I sure hope my boy doesn’t grow up to be just like me!
If smacking is bad, what about other non-physical punishments eg time out, stand in the corner? Or do children see all punishments the same way, coz they all upset them the same say?
Posted by little prince's mummy on 15 September, 2009 at 7:27 am
Fully agree with your article… Punishment is totally not useful to my son, too! If I try to scold or punish him, he’ll behaves nottier.. If I try to tell him the reason why he cannot do that, surprisingly, he follow my way! 😉
Posted by MarkLim81 on 15 September, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Strangely effective isn’t it? 🙂
Like method 5, offering a choice may also seem silly, but it actually works quite well with kids.
Posted by MarkLim81 on 15 September, 2009 at 7:32 am
Hehe, yes, Patt’s example is very amusing. 🙂
Amy, I’m sure you’re not referring to when you were around 2 years of age, otherwise you have really really good memory. 🙂
The earlier we can imprint good behaviour in children during their developmental phase, the better, and they will be less need later on for disciplining.
Posted by MarkLim81 on 15 September, 2009 at 7:34 am
Maybe I’m just soft, but I don’t like the idea of physical punishment, even with proper communication.
Besides discussing punishment being bad for children, did you know that even rewarding and praise can supposedly bad for children?
http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html
Posted by p a t t on 15 September, 2009 at 7:40 am
gosh – one day they r just goign to tell you not to talk to your kids at all – cos generally, parents are just such bad examples of human beings – bad communication, bad temper etc etc
Posted by MarkLim81 on 20 September, 2009 at 8:29 am
Now now, adults get it right sometimes too. 🙂
Posted by JC on 29 September, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Although I am very agreed to your point that we shall not simply punish our kids. But it happen that the kids really get on your nerve and you are sick on her behavior and end up with the punishment .
For the last 2 weeks, I am so sick to my 4 years old daughter who keeps crying for my attention and love as well we guess she might be very jealous of her little sister! I have can her quite badly as I really can’t control my emotional! What will you suggest on my case to get things back to the track?
Posted by MarkLim81 on 29 September, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Hi JC,
Don’t give up! Absolutely everybody falls off track now and then.
If your 4 year old has only been jealous for 2 weeks, you might be considered lucky. 🙂 How old is her little sister?
Here’s a good article from About.com about dealing with jealous siblings. (I take it jealousy is your main issue, and not attention seeking?).
http://bit.ly/J4Y19
I particularly agree with the advice on “Watch Your Words” and “Hover” . Give it a try and some time to see if you get results.
Hope this helps!
Posted by Shirley on 2 October, 2009 at 3:26 am
Totally agreed….My girl is 2 1/2 years old now and i have not punished her for any wrong doing. Whenever she does something wrong, and when i ask her who did it, she’ll admit it. Then I’ll just explain to her why it is wrong. All you need is more patient. I love being a mom…
Posted by MarkLim81 on 2 October, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Hi Shirley, thanks for your input!
Sounds like you did a great job instilling self-discipline in your little one, with your 2 key ingredients being love and patience. 🙂
Posted by Vincent Ng on 4 October, 2009 at 8:46 am
As a temporary primary school teacher, I observe that overall there are two group of children. One group of children will have positive reaction if you do not punish, put your love and efforts on teaching and giving them chance to learn freely. They can learn in peaceful way.
Another type of chilren is type of “bully”. They always tend to make the things worse. They seen did not not like the peaceful environment. They like to create noise. If they are left not punished and left freely, the condition became worse. How to solve the problem for the second group of children?
Thanks can share some useful advice from you.
Posted by MarkLim81 on 4 October, 2009 at 9:32 am
Hi Vincent!
It’s hard to write enough in this little comment box, so I’ll recommend you a site with some great tips:
http://newteachersupport.suite101.com/article.cfm/zip_those_lips
Notice that only one of those tips involves punishment. 🙂
I particularly like the 3rd suggestion. Adding on that, any kind of noise monitor would work. You could make it a class activity to make your own noise monitor, and after that, it’s very useful to let the kids operate it themselves.
The 5th suggestion is also important, i.e. don’t just raise your voice and try to be louder than the children!
Good luck! Give the methods some time, and let me know how things work out.
Posted by jessica hazel on 21 October, 2009 at 6:50 pm
i think hitting a child is bad. cuz ehrn they go to school 4 the 1st time there r going 2 think hiotting it ok. and they might hit one of the kids in th class or the could hit the theacher. that woyuld not be good. so u should not hit your child. if they do something bad. just put them in time out and talk to them about what they did what was bad.
Posted by MarkLim81 on 21 October, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Hi Jessica!
Yes, that’s very true. Besides causing a lot of unhappiness for kids, being hit also teaches them to hit others. If only more adults would be willing to admit that.
Posted by Nicolas Abesdris on 11 July, 2010 at 9:35 pm
You should quote the references in your article, to be fair to the original authors. The list of to-do items comes from Faber & Mazlish’s book, “How to talk so kids will listen & listen to kids will talk”. Good article otherwise!
Posted by MarkLim81 on 12 July, 2010 at 5:57 am
Thanks Nicolas.
I did a Maths degree, so we never had to reference anything. Something I’m learning how to do the hard way during my Postgraduate Certificate!
Posted by Nicolas Abesdris on 15 July, 2010 at 3:56 am
Hey Mark, no worries. Keep up the good work – it’s a tough battle to get people to learn the damaging effects of punishments and rewards, and to help them switch to a different kind of parenting. I am always happy when I see blogs like yours.
Posted by MarkLim81 on 16 July, 2010 at 11:59 am
Good to hear it. 🙂
Posted by steve on 31 October, 2011 at 1:14 am
I agree to an extent. There is a line to be crossed when the child refuses all. Negotiating does not work at all with a child that gives in on his half of the bargain. Specially when the child is almost as large as you. Punishment is as real as it gets. Im not talking just spanking and the such, any punishment. In real life if you break the rules you get punished. It wouldnt work if billy bob beats his wife and we say “im so disappointed in you” not realistic! Consiquence is the only approach.
Posted by Michelle on 5 September, 2012 at 2:48 am
My girls are just acting out horribly lately and I’ve turned to this discussion board instead of beating their brains out. I have two of my own and a step daughter and all of them are acting ridiculous! I am so frustrated, I’ve stopped spanking and started punishing and although punishing worked, it stopped just as fast. I am at wits end and am now thinking of sending them away? maybe that will help them get a better perspective on how good they have it here, because we all know “there’s no place like home” right? I guess I’ll have to stick with punishment for now until I can set it up for them to go! I just needed to get this off my chest.
Michelle
Posted by MarkLim81 on 5 September, 2012 at 3:01 am
How old are your girls Michelle?
It sounds like you need a rightfully deserved break. Some time for yourself would be good, but I hope you’re not referring to something permanent when you say ‘sending them away’.
Posted by Gisselle on 12 October, 2012 at 12:51 pm
I have a 8 year old and she is sooo bad, i get notes from her teacher every day that she does something wrong, she has no respect for me yells answer back at, but she also know whats my soft spots i have tried everything her behavior keeps getting worts, what should i do? im a single mom and this is soo hard
Posted by bing on 6 December, 2012 at 2:47 am
yes i agree that punishing a child is good.because the child will never do the same mistakes he/she had done,they will always tell themselves “i should not do that again,so that my parents will not punish me again”…! children can always make mistakes anyway.but to tell you frankly punishing is a good discipline to a naughty child.
Posted by lightning on 6 December, 2012 at 2:52 am
thats what i do.
Posted by tyrse mitchell on 31 January, 2013 at 1:56 pm
i think tht puishment should be given in a ryt way n it should nt be over done
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